On towers
“May you find your Tower, Roland, and breach it, and may you climb to the top!” - Stephen King, The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower
Greetings, travelers. It’s been a minute, yes? In that time, a battle ended, celebrations made, realizations had, a year turned.
Yes, miraculously, my mother is doing well and in maintenance mode from cancer. My family celebrated a lot through the end of the year and we continue to make plans for the months and years coming. As so many of us are reminded when something like this occurs - time is not guaranteed.
I knowingly stepped away because, for the first time maybe ever, I saw the signs and felt the harbingers of burn-out and I retreated, cocooning myself to avoid resisting and denying. I let myself slide into a momentary depression - my life slowing to only essential things of work and sleep - but remained aware of what was happening. I also ended it consciously, refusing to stay lost.
In mid-November I took a trip back to the North Carolina coast to see friends and let the rhythm of the ocean and the feel of my feet on very familiar roads begin to carry me out of the dark mist. I rescheduled the trip north to Minneapolis in December that a funky virus in October took from me. A quiet steady snow was falling upon my arrival, sealing off the sounds of the city; my friends and I enacted the long-standing pattern of night out, night in, and long conversations with music and a sleepy cat. When an unexpected death occurred a week later, I reached out to my parents and asked if I could help paint their family room - I knew I needed time with people I love and a project to keep my hands busy. The three of us worked, moving around each other in a contra-dance of shared effort. Over Christmas, I spent a lot of time sitting with one niece or nephew focusing as intently as they on the activity at hand - coloring, a Lego set, brushing a doll’s hair.
Amidst all of this, I realized with a bit of startling clarity: I’ve embodied the lessons that I’ve been seeking for the last few years - how to claim my emotions and not run from them and how to move through those emotions in a non-destructive way.
I share the above quote with a grain of salt - I don’t know that I believe there is a top to the towers we will climb in our life. Like the many lighthouses I’ve climbed so far, the spiral staircase will touch upon the same spot many times, but across different moments. If you’re not careful, this can feel like you aren’t progressing, when in fact, you are.
A small mantra of encouragement for you this year: onwards and upwards. May you breach your tower and climb.
