On stubbornness
“Grinding through everything you start is just stubbornness disguised as self-discipline.” - Mark Manson
Greetings & salutations, beautiful people. I had to laugh, when I got Mark Manson’s weekly newsletter this week containing this quote - it’s very applicable to me. It also got me thinking about failure and apologies.
Many of us have cultivated a fear of failure and will do anything to avoid having to claim that failure, gritting our teeth in denial and double-down on goals, relationships, and jobs that no longer work. Similarly, many of us have cultivated shame around doing something wrong (again, another type of failure) and we will do anything to avoid having to make amends; we will deflect, defend, and “say sorry” with no follow-through with actions to support the apology.
Both are a type of stubbornness…and, if you peel it back, arrogance.
The danger of stubborn doggedness is at a certain point, resentment and victimhood is unavoidable.
When I approach with curious compassion, I also find the fear fueling a scarcity outlook:
I’m not leaving the relationship because I don’t believe there will be another.
I’m not getting a new job because I can’t see how another may serve me better.
I’m not changing my behavior because some part of my believes that I hurt this person because “this is just the way I am.”
I’m not stopping the project because I will have wasted all of the time and resources I spent on it.
Make no mistake - tenacity and persistence are important and necessary…but so is honesty. And if you are brave enough to honestly review the facts in front of you - perhaps doing so with one or more trusted allies as well - and the facts suggest you need to make a change, then changing the course is not failure. It’s redirection.
Is there a place in your life you have been stubbornly holding on? Is there a reframing you can give yourself to let it go and pursue something else?
Be well.
